This is an interview I did with Crouchy a while back. You will see that he would like Mackenzie Crook on stilts to play him in the film of his life. When I interviewed Mackenzie some time later, he referenced this Q&A and said he would pick Peter Crouch to play him in the film of his life.
Peter Crouch was born on 30 January 1981 in Ealing and spent his early years in Singapore, where his father worked in advertising. The family returned to London, where Crouch’s talent as a schoolboy footballer was recognised. He began in the junior ranks of Queen’s Park Rangers but, at 14, joined Tottenham Hotspur where he never made the first team. In 2000, he returned to QPR where his career took off. From there he joined Portsmouth and then transferred to Aston Villa for £5 million. He went on to join Southampton, where he scored 16 goals in the 2004-05 season. During the summer of 2005, he first played for England and transferred to Liverpool for £7 million. He went on to become the first to score ten international goals in a calendar year. His autobiography is called Walking Tall. He lives in Cheshire with model Abigail Clancy. Buy Crouchy’s book
1. When were you happiest?
The last time I scored, which was against Toulouse in the Champions League. That’s what makes me happiest – scoring.
2. What is your greatest fear?
Alsatians. When I was nine or ten I was playing football in the park and got chased and bitten by one and ever since then I can’t bear them.
3. What is your earliest memory?
My first day at school, at Roxeth Primary in Harrow. I was very scared but I remember making friends quite soon. I’ve always been the tallest for my age in school. It’s from my dad’s side – he gets the blame! My dad’s dad is six four, my dad’s six five.
4. Which living person do you most admire and why?
Tiger Woods and Roger Federer. Those two are born winners.
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Forgetfulness.
6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Deceitfulness.
7. What was your most embarrassing moment?
On the pitch. I took a penalty for England at Wembley against Jamaica when I was on a hat trick – I’d already scored two goals. I remember taking the penalty and trying to take the piss out of the goal keeper, chipping the ball and it going over. Thankfully I got another goal – otherwise I would have ruined it for the rest of my life. There are not many opportunities you get to score a hat trick for your country and that was probably the most embarrassed I’ve ever been.
9. What is your most treasured possession?
My family dog Buster, a black Labrador who lives with my mum and dad.
10. Where would you like to live?
Australia. I’ve never been there but I’ve heard so much about it. One of my friends has just come back – he’s been there for a year. I think I’d like to retire and live in Sydney and go to the beach every day.
11. What would your super power be?
Invisible. I am never invisible. If I put a cap on, people say it’s Peter Crouch with a cap on!
12. What makes you depressed?
I am quite a happy person. The only thing that gets me down is if I’m not playing, or if I have a bad game.
13. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I had a grey tooth for a while but I’ve just got that seen to. I had it knocked out when I was a kid, by my sister, who I still blame to this day! To get it done was a grand.
14. Would you rather be clever and ugly, or thick and attractive?
That’s a really difficult question. Can I have a little bit of both?
15. Who would play you in the film of your life?
Mackenzie Crook – on stilts!
16. What is your most unappealing habit?
Not ringing people back.
17. What is your favourite smell?
Roast dinner on a Sunday.
18. What is your favourite word?
Enjoyment.
19. What is your favourite book?
Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.
20. What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
I vary between different kinds of farm or zoo animals. I’ve been a chicken, but most recently I’ve been a parrot – both went down very well.
21. What is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you?
As a kid at Tottenham, the odd person said I would never be a Premiership player.
22. Cat or dog?
Dog.
23. Is it better to give or to receive?
To give.
25. What do you owe your parents?
Everything. I owe them my career. I certainly wouldn’t be here without them. The biggest thing for me was the support they gave me. They gave me lifts whereever I needed to go for football. My dad was real keen on the football, but my mum was just as dedicated when my dad wasn’t around.
26. To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
The three or four people from previous clubs that I’ve lost contact with.
32. Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
Gazza. I am sure he’d have some good stories. Gazza was one of my heroes when I was growing up. The Brazilian player Ronaldo was another one. I was a big fan of Oasis so I’d have Noel Gallagher. And Ricky Gervais. I am a big fan of his. Everything he’s done – The Office, Extras – I’ve watched it all. Animals and Politics, I loved as well. I wanted to get tickets for his Fame show, but I didn’t have time to go.
33. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I say ‘top man’ constantly which is quite embarrassing, and I’m always telling people to ‘put a sock in it’ as well. They are two ridiculous phrases that I’ve been pulled up on recently.
34. What is the worst job you’ve ever done?
I did a paper round when I was kid, but the early mornings were too much. My dad took it over, so I was getting paid my fifteen quid a week, but he was actually doing it!
35. What has been your biggest disappointment?
The World Cup last year, not progressing to the final.
36. If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I am happy with my past and the present is good.
37. If you could go back in time, where would you go?
Back to school. Knowing what I know now, I’d work less!
38. When did you last cry, and why?
I’m not macho man, but I’ve not cried for a long time. The last time was when my granddad died and I saw my mum upset. I must have been fifteen.
39. How do you relax?
Usually at home, watching films, and I like to go out for meals and to the cinema. I play tennis when I’ve got time off.
41. What is the closest you’ve ever come to death?
Go-karting in La Manga. Just before the Champions League final, I went on a go-kart and the brakes went and I thought I was going to die. I nearly crashed into Dirk Kuyt – we were rivals for a place in the team and I almost killed him, but not on purpose!
42. What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
More time off.
43. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
To play in the World Cup, to win the FA Cup and to score for my country.
44. What keeps you awake at night?
Horror films – watching The Exorcist kept me awake for a week.
45. What song would you like played at your funeral?
(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – a cheesy song.
46. How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who achieved great things and had a great time doing it.
47. What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
To never give up and to always believe you can achieve something.
48. Where would you most like to be right now?
In the England squad, where I am.
49. Tell us a joke:
My granddad had his tongue shot off in the war, and he can’t bear to talk about it. David James just told me that.
50. Tell us a secret:
My first words were spoken in Mandarin.